Early Life
I was born in a quiet town in Vermont by two loving individuals. They moved me to central Massachusetts at the age of 2 where I met three of my siblings. My childhood, looking back on it, was amazing. It was when I started to gain my freedom as an adult when life started to look bleak.
As far back as I can remember I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Before the age of 12 at least. I was seeing a therapist for anger management at the age of 10. High school is where my mental health was exacerbated by isolation and depression; at least, in the first two years. My junior and senior year is where I started to come out of my shell.
I meet my first girlfriend. We introduced each other to alcohol, weed, sex, and most importantly pop-punk music. Nothing lasts forever. We didn’t last longer than a year. This sent me into a spiral. My mom, bless her soul, hurts twice as much when I am in pain. One day I was suffering from a panic attack. I could not stop crying. I couldn’t catch a breath for hours. My mom, knowing this struggle, offered me an actual piece of a klonopin. I slept for hours. The seed of escapism was planted. Ready to bloom.
Addiction Life
At 18 years old I started to fall into a bad group of friends. One of these friends mentions klonopin. This is where the hill starts to slope downwards. Klonopin turned into percoset 15mg. That turned into percoset 30mg. Combine that with morphine, vicodin, oxycodone, dilaudid, whatever I could get my hands on. This would continue for two years. Spending whatever extra money I had on whatever opiate I could find. At this point I wasn’t aware I was already deep into the throes of addiction.
Fast forward to the turbulent years of 2015 and 2016. Our house was condemned due to fire damage. My girlfriend at the time was away at bootcamp in Missouri. Loneliness and depression during this time were at an all time high. I looked forward to my then girlfriend arriving back in town. This would not come to fruition and I was crushed. We had a major falling out before she even left basic training. Being forced to move during this forced a huge transitional phase into my life. I do not do well during transitional phases.
Arriving at the new place didn’t fix things. It only served as a new location to find new drugs from new sources. During one of the first days at the new place I was introduced to heroin. I will never forget the moment it entered my body. It filled the hole in my life. It only took a few days for me to discern that my new neighbor also dabbled with opiates. This parasitical relationship took my addiction to a whole other level. I had access to heroin 24/7. Whenever I had money, or even if I didn’t, I could leave this realm.
My addiction progressed from freebasing heroin to intravenous use in a short time. 6 months of needle using caused 4 overdoses. I’m lucky to be alive. I’m eternally grateful and indebted to those that were around me at the time. Without them I wouldn’t be here writing this story down.
Current Life
There is a big chunk missing between the 4th and 5th overdose that I am not willing to share just yet. During that period I was arrested and had my license suspended for two years. I had major support from a singular person throughout this time. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to get those 15 months sober in a row or much of anything really. They are no longer in my life at this time. This situation has caused major heartache and regret. I remain sober this time one day at a time. I have no other choice but to be sober.
Now I live in Worcester battling my demons every day. Attending meetings up to 3 times a week. Trying to occupy my time with healthy hobbies and sober friends. This blog will serve as a place to help not only me but others as well. We addicts have a hivemind mentality. So I know if this is therapy for me then it will be therapy for every addict reading this as well.